


In Your Head

by MidnightRamblings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel, Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Sex, Smut, Suicide, castiel/reader - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-20
Updated: 2016-09-20
Packaged: 2018-08-16 09:55:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8097691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightRamblings/pseuds/MidnightRamblings
Summary: You find yourself lost and alone and facing a shadow monster. Salvation comes in the form of an angel named Castiel who pulls you back and saves your life, and gives you something more that you never saw coming.





	1. In Your Head

**4 Days Ago:**

You can’t be sure, but you think you are still in your motel room. It’s like you are there, but also not. You try to think back through the last few hours, to piece together what happened, but your memories are hazy at best. Did something follow you here? Why are you so tired and why can’t you seem move? You feel like you could move, if you really wanted to, but something about actually doing it feels like too much. A moment of panic streaks through you and you wonder if you were drugged, but the feeling is fleeting, you don’t feel drugged, just…slightly lost.  You wonder what could make you feel this way, trying to think back to the moment that it went dark, when something _other_ crept into your room, but you can’t quite get there. Instead you just close your eyes, say a small prayer and drift to sleep, hoping that when you wake the world will feel right again.

**3 Days Ago:**

You are impossibly tired, even though you haven’t physically exerted yourself in close to 48 hours. In fact, you have alternated between sleeping and staring at nothing for the bulk of that time. Your mind however has not stopped, even when you sleep your dreams are racing through all the “what ifs” and “maybe’s”

“What if you hadn’t gone out?”

“Maybe it would be different if you hadn’t talked to that group of guys”

“What if you hadn’t gone out to the parking lot alone to get in your car?”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have talked back when that guy called after you, maybe you should have just let it go when he called you a ‘bitch’ and lunged at you”

“What if that has nothing to do with what’s happening now?”

“Maybe monsters are real and there’s one creeping in on you as you sit here thinking it all over?”

Something is happening though. It’s almost as if you were drowning slowly in the darkness. One minute you were sitting in your motel room watching TV and the next it was a like a storm cloud had shifted inside, the room fogging over and your vision slowly fading. You heard it then, as soft as a shift in the wind, someone was in the room with you and you couldn’t move, and then it was like this thing was in your head, manipulating your emotions, manipulating your thoughts. It happened so quickly, one minute you were letting your adrenaline subside from the altercation at the club and the next it was like your adrenaline had a mind of its own and it was racing through your body, making you twitch as you tried to figure out what this thing was and what it was doing to you.

With your muscles tensed you sat on your bed and stared around the room, trying to pinpoint what you were dealing with. You kind of, sort of, believed that monsters were real, even though you had never seen one, but this was different. This was both incredibly real and impossible at the same time. You wanted to get off the bed and move, you told your body to go, but it was like you just couldn’t. Whatever this was wasn’t going to let you go that easily.

**2 Days Ago:**

His voice whispered out from the corner of the dark room, you’re exhausted, but your head instinctively snapped around trying to find him. You squint your eyes into the darkness, hoping to catch a glimpse of whatever it is that has you, but you don’t even see a shift of shadows or hear a creak of the floorboard. If he is there, he is still, letting your paranoia do his work for him. You tried to remember if you’d been here before, if you had felt this before and it seemed like somewhere in the back of your mind you knew that this was nothing new, but you couldn’t figure out when you had been in this situation before or if there was a way out. Had it really only been 3 days since the club? Why were you still here in the dark? What could he possibly be waiting for?

“I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything will be okay” you let your eyes drift shut and murmur to yourself, breathing deeply through your nose, trying to will your heart to slow down. This works. Sometimes. When you open your eyes again the room hasn’t changed, soft edges of the bed you sit on fuzzy in the dark, a tiny sliver of light pressing against the floorboard at the door. You can tell he…it… is still in the room, at the edges of your vision, always just out of view, watching you, but you force yourself to stare at your hands, not wanting to give it the satisfaction of knowing that he is in your head.

His voice continues to work its way into your mind repeating your deepest fears, egging on your anxiety. You continue to mutter, your whisper in the dark is softer than a breath, repeating over and over “I’m fine, it’s fine, everything will be okay.” As if the words will make it so. As if the words might convince the monster to let you leave. Other than that there simply nothing.

**1 Day Ago:**

You haven’t gotten enough sleep. He’s still there, his whispering getting louder and more insistent. You wonder if anyone else can hear him through the thin walls of the motel. You tilt your head back against the wall and let his voice wash over you. When this whole thing started you had tried to keep him out, close off your ears and avert your eyes, fight against the things he was saying, but now you think that maybe he is right.

No one is looking for you. It’s been 4 days and not one knock has landed on your door, not one call or text has come to your phone. It’s like you have disappeared from the world and no one even noticed. Your whispered prayers have fallen on deaf ears. Could he have done this? Made you into nothing? Outside the world goes on, but inside this room, inside your mind, a war is waging and you aren’t sure if you are strong enough to beat the monster.

You neck tenses as your head twitches to the side involuntarily. Maybe you’re just tired, your frazzled nerves grasping for some sort of purchase. Maybe you’ve gone crazy.

Your mind races….

_Nobody misses you._

_Nobody will miss you._

_Just say yes to this. It will be so easy._

_Your family. Would they miss you?          Maybe.            Maybe not._

_What is he offering?                                                      Will it be better?_

_It can’t be worse than this._

_This is nothingness._

_Anything would be better than this._

_It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything will be okay._

_But what if it’s not?_

_Have I gone crazy?                                                Why am I scared?_

_Just breath. In. out. In. out._

_Could I end this?_

_If I just say yes, would this go away._

And you just want it to stop.

“Just stop” you breath out, the words drifting through the cloud, your eyes opening and searching through the darkness for the monster.

In an instant you feel like a weight has lifted and the fog begins to clear. You see him clearly now, a shadow man in the corner of the room, resting comfortably on the chair near the door, his dark eyes staring back at you, a small quirk on his lips. He knows he has won. This man, if he is a man, has broken you and he never even had to lay a finger on you. There is a certain look in his eye and you can tell that he knows you, maybe even better then you know yourself.

For a long moment no one speaks, and then he inclines his head and you hear him. His lips don’t move, but you hear him clear as day. “You want it to stop? I can make it stop. I can make it all stop. The rest of the world will move on and you will be gone. Is that what you want?”

You move to answer, but hold your tongue as your mind drifts to your family, to happy memories, to better times. Are you really ready to leave all this behind? Then you think about the past 4 days, the man in the parking lot, the anger and fear, the dark cloud that poured over you and the whispers in your mind. You close your eyes and shake your head slowly, trying to get the images out of your head, trying to keep the nothingness from slipping back in, trying to fight back the rising panic you feel in your chest. It’s a battle you can’t win, at least not today. You look back at the monster and nod once.

“I need to hear the words y/n. I need to know that you are ready to go. You’re tired and alone, and I can make it better, but I have to hear you say it.” The monster unfolds himself from the chair and moves closer and you can feel the emptiness pouring off of him and you can feel your own energy beginning to fade. He stretches out a hand to you, something small and shiny resting in his palm, and you stare at it for what seems like forever, body and mind fighting a battle you can’t win.

You look at your own hand and watch as it slowly reaches out for the monster “I’m ready.”

 

 **Today** :

The last thing you remember is the world going dark. Inexplicably, completely black and a feeling of cold nothingness. And then a flash of light. Like a firework in the sky it tore through the nothingness and gripped you tightly, burning into your skin and shocking you back to awareness. You could feel your body jerking between the dark and the light, like a battle was being fought around you and all you could do was ride it out. When it was over you feel a bone weary tiredness that you can’t believe is possible.

Blinking you open your eyes, a gasp of breath tearing into your throat as you bolt upright. Strong hands grab your upper arms and you instinctively hurl yourself backwards away from the feeling and you feel your back pull flush against the headboard. Your eyes flash around the room, your room at the motel, and it looks just like it had 4 days before, no hint of the fog or the shadow monster.

“y/n” his voice is gravely and soft and your eyes drag back to his face and lock on the bluest eyes you have ever seen. He’s looking at you like you are a wounded animal, like you might lash out at any moment, like he is afraid of you.

Your breath comes in heavy pants, and you press your eyes shut and repeat, again “I’m fine, it’s fine, everything will be okay” after a few moments you hear his voice join yours, the rough sound like a soothing balm to your frayed nerves. With a last breath you open your eyes and look at the man.

“Y/n” he repeats “Are you okay?”

You move to answer but he puts his hand up “No. That’s not the right question.” He presses his eyes shut and you can see him thinking about what he wants to say. When he opens his eyes you see a new clarity there.

With a steadying breath he begins again. “Y/n. My name is Castiel. You called for me, and I didn’t come. I almost didn’t make it in time. I’m sorry. It’s my job to watch over you and I heard you suffering but still didn’t come. I thought you were in a place that you could fight alone, but I forgot that sometimes the monster grows too strong to fend off. I should have been here earlier. I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t understand” you say and shift away from the wall and move closer to this man. You tilt your head to the side and try to look into his eyes, which are downcast. “Castiel.” At his name his eyes raise and look into yours. “I don’t understand. Who are you?”

Castiel reaches his hand out and takes yours in his, his thumb running circles over your palm. His other hand slides your sleeve up and he slowly runs a finger across your wrist, the red marks raised and angry. At the touch your mind flicks back to the small razor blades that the monster offered you and you shiver involuntarily. “Y/n, I’m your Angel. I should have been here. You shouldn’t have ever felt that pain. I know that you’ve been there before, but I’ve always been there to help ease the anxiety, to stave off the depression, to help you fight off the monster and this time I wasn’t. This time I let him get too close and I almost lost you to the monster. I’m so sorry.”

You look down at your hands, at the gashes on your wrists and close your eyes, letting the memories rise up through the fog in your mind. The fight at the club, the adrenaline rush and inevitable crash. You remember not being able to get out of your own head, the what ifs and maybes drowning out any rational thought. You think back to other times that you felt this way, how quickly you used to be able to push it away and move forward. How saying “I’m fine, It’s fine, everything will be okay” used to be enough to fight off the monster, to convince yourself that he wasn’t real. Your fingers flex around Castiel’s as you remember laying on the bed and thinking about how it was too hard to fight it off, about how it would be easier if you let the depression and anxiety win, about how you thought through different ways to make it stop. You think about how easy it had been to grip the blade and how the release you felt as it separated your skin.

With a sigh you feel the hot tears leak from the corner of your eyes and you look back up at Castiel. “It wasn’t real. The monster wasn’t real. I did this, didn’t I?” you run your fingers across your wrists and cringe at the pain.

Castiel gathers your hands in his and pulls you in close, running his hands up your arms and framing your face in his hands, forcing you to look him in the eye. You see your emotions mirrored there, like he feels everything you feel… pain, sadness, guilt. “Don’t ever think that this monster isn’t real. Just because you are the only one who can see him or feel him when he comes doesn’t mean that he doesn’t exist. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to help you fight him, I won’t ever let you face this alone again. Don’t ever let him convince you that you aren’t worth it. I took for granted that you would always be here and I forgot that it was my job to make sure that you knew that you are strong enough to fight this monster off. I did this, not you.”

You stared at Castiel for a long moment, trying to find the right words for what you felt. “You didn’t fail Castiel. You saved me.”


	2. In Your Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pulled back from the brink you find yourself falling into Castiel's arms, welcoming the peace that his presence brings.

Castiel’s runs his hands back from your face and pulls you in to a hug and you instinctively lean into it, eyes sliding shut and letting the tears fall. “I can heal your cuts, y/n, but I can't make this all go away.”

With a deep breath you pull back from him, rolling your neck to stretch out the kinks. “No. it’s okay.” You say looking down at the deep cuts on your wrist, watching his fingers trace the edges gently. “I think they have to stay right? What if the monster… what if I find myself there again? If they are there to remind me of what I did, maybe I won’t…” Your voice trails off and you pull your hands into your lap, a wave of emotion floods through you and you feel like hiding, not wanting this man who calls himself your Angel to see your shame.

“At least let me bandage them up?” Castiel rises from the bed and walks into the bathroom, returning a moment later with his trench coat off, the sleeves of his white shirt rolled up to his elbows. “y/n, come in to the bathroom so I can get the blood washed off.”

You stand and follow Castiel, you try not to make eye contact, not wanting to see pity in his eyes. The bathroom is small and Castiel guides you to sit on the edge of the tub facing the sink. He turns the sink on and runs a towel underneath the warm water before lowering himself down in front of you, gathering up your hands in his. Slowly he runs the warm cloth across your cuts, the water running pink as he washes the blood away. Without saying a word he dries your wrists, tensing up with you as you hiss at the medicine he applies before taping the gauze down.  

For a long moment you sit in silence, his hands supporting yours, your mind drifting across the past few days. “Castiel? How did you know that I needed you? I didn’t even know you existed.”

“Y/n. Look at me.” His hand comes to your chin and gently guides your eyes up to his. “I have always been here. Sometimes I fail to hear you, and for that I am sorry, but I have spent a lifetime… your lifetime…” his voice catches and you see a tear slide down his cheek.

You bring your hand to his face, wiping the tear with your thumb and Castiel turns his head into your touch. Dragging his hand up to cover yours he presses a kiss to your wrist just outside the bandage.  

“Castiel…” his name comes out on a whisper and you slide off the edge of the tub so that your knees slot in around his. Your hand cards into his hair as you pull him in, your forehead leaning into his. Your four days of isolation have left you craving contact, needing to feel someone’s touch. You tilt your face up and press your lips gently to his, feeling him gasp at the touch, a small moan slipping from his lips.

The kiss is soft, as if you are both afraid of breaking the other person, knowing that you are at the edge of something, but not wanting to rush it or ruin it. After a moment Castiel pulls away, his eyes searching yours. “Y/n, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have, it’s just, I mean with everything that has happened…” he runs a hand through his messy hair and you feel your mouth pull into a small smile

“Shut up Castiel” his eyes dart back to yours and he takes in your smile. A smile creeps across his face and then he is on you, hands pressed into your lower back, pulling you in against his body. There is nothing gentle and tentative about this kiss. This kiss is full of hunger and want and your hands are gripping his shirt to keep him close as your tongue dips into his mouth, a small hum buzzing between you. His lips pull away from yours and drop into the crook of your neck, nipping and licking his way across your body. It’s like your skin is on fire and you push back and pull in a ragged breath. His eyes are blown wide with lust and find yourself wondering if this is even normal, a human and an Angel before the thought flies out of your mind as your gaze drops to his lips which are swollen from your kiss.

A small moan drifts from your mouth and you lean into him, pressing your lips to his ear. “We have entirely too many clothes on Castiel.”

You stand, dragging your hand across his chest and toss a wink his way as you exit the bathroom, marveling at the turn of events. You pull your shirt over your head and drop it on the floor, then slide your sweats off and leave them in a puddle behind you. You turn to look back at Castiel, who is still kneeling in the middle of the floor watching you through hooded eyes. He looks wrecked and you feel your breath catch in your throat. He is beautiful and in that moment you know that he is yours, that he has always been yours and that it was only a matter of time before you ended up here together. You had intended on climbing on the bed, but instead you slowly move back to Castiel. Dropping down in front of him you take his face in your hands and kiss him again, fingers playing at the buttons of his shirt, slowly undressing him as you kiss. Rocking back onto your heels you take his hands and pull him up with you so that you are standing face to face.

“Do you want this Castiel?” you ask, searching his eyes for an answer.

Castiel pulls in a deep breath and closes his eyes briefly before meeting your gaze again “So much. I didn’t know I could feel this way. Are you sure that you want this?”

“Castiel.” You start, pressing a hand to his chest to ground yourself. “I… I am broken. I know that. I was lost for a few days and I didn’t know if I would find my way out. I almost didn’t find my way out. And then there was you. You pulled me back to life. You came when I called.” Cas started to protest but you continued on in a rush of words. “You did that Castiel. When I couldn’t save myself, you came and saved me. I want this. I want you. Preferably naked in my bed, but if you’re not ready for that, that’s fine. I _see_ you now and I don’t intend to let you go.”

Castiel’s emotions are written all over his face. You can see the exact moment that he came to a decision. It took only a few seconds for his hesitation to fade and with a steadying breath he steps into you, kisses pressing into your bare collarbone, picking back up where he had left off. Hands gripping into your hips as he lifts you easily and carries you to the bed. He lays you back pressing a kisses down your body as he pulls himself up at the edge of the bed. Eyes never leaving yours he undoes his belt and slides his dress pants off, his white boxers quickly following. At the sight of him your eyes close and you tip your head back into the bed.

Castiel moves slowly back up your body. Kisses trailing up your calves, your thighs, fingers easing your panties off and tongue slipping inside of you. Your brain is short circuiting and the only thoughts running through your mind are ‘yes’ and ‘more’ and ‘Castiel’. You didn’t realize how badly you needed his touch until he was moving over you, hands gripping your hips gently as his tongue teases at your clit, deep moans vibrating across your skin, making you shiver. You feel yourself teetering on the edge and let out a gasp as Castiel picks up the speed and pressure, adding fingers to his ministrations, pulling you quickly over the edge as you reach your climax.

You’ve barely had time to come down before he is on the move again, sucking a nipple into his mouth, dragging his teeth across your skin, leaving a trail of fire across your body. You bring your hands around his back and dig your fingers into his skin, pressing his body onto yours as you pull his face up to yours, hungrily attacking his mouth with yours, pulling deep moans from his mouth. You can feel him rubbing up against your entrance and you adjust your hips to grant him access, pushing up into him until he is fully flush with your body. He dips his head into your neck and you hear his breath leave him as he presses inside of you slowly. You feel every inch of him as he begins to move, the length of his torso pressed against yours, his lips sucking on your neck, his hips rocking into you over and over. He’s mumbling your name into your ear and you’re having trouble holding yourself together. Your nails dig into his back and you pull your knees up to wrap around his hips trying to pull him even closer, his name spilling out of your mouth as he shifts and begins driving into you in erratically.  With a deep growl you feel his teeth digging into the flesh on your neck and you feel him shudder and spill into you and you follow him over the edge, your climax chasing his.

Castiel heaves a deep breath and rolls to the side, pulling you with him so that you are face to face, a tangle of arms and legs and blankets. His hair is sticking up in every directions and you use a hand to smooth it out of his face, letting your hand rest along the base of his jaw. His fingers trace along your neck and he dips his face to you, kissing the spot he bit before kissing your lips gently.

“Y/n,” Castiel begins “I…”

His eyes looked trouble again, like he’s worried you might break. You slide closer and kiss him on the forehead, the cheek, the lips.  “I’m okay Castiel, for now. I know that I might not always be, but for right this moment, right here with you, I’m okay.”

Pulling you closer Castiel rolls onto his back and draws you tight to his side, the top of your head tucked under his chin, his arm wrapped around your back, fingers tracing circles on your bare skin. You run your hand across his stomach, playing with the fine hair that trails across his body and sigh into his side. For the first time in days you feel your mind ease and you slip to sleep without a worry, your Angel watching over you, keeping you safe from harm.

**Author's Note:**

> So this story was a long time coming and I didn't know that it needed a Supernatural element until now. 
> 
> Not everyone's anxiety and depression manifest in the same way, but for me this is a very real description of what it feels like in my mind when I'm deep into a anxiety attack and the following days of depression. I've often described the panic and paranoia as a monster that creeps up and causes me to live inside my own head for a few days before it retreats. It's always there at the edges of my mind, but when he comes to visit it's hard to remember that it will pass and I will feel whole again soon. 
> 
> I've tried in the past to write up a description of how it feels, but it always felt strange and empty. Now, by adding in my favorite Angel, I feel like I've been able to show my mental illness as the monster it is and show that it is something that I can push back and survive. Castiel being there is just a great bonus! 
> 
> If you are like me and suffer from a mental illness- remember that it will pass and that you are worth it. And get help. Talk to a friend or teacher or family member or reach out to any of the crisis hotlines that are out there to help guide you back from the edge.


End file.
